When you choose to move past fear

“When you choose to move past fear—fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, fear of looking bad, fear of losing respect—life becomes much lighter, and most any task becomes possible, perhaps even enjoyable.

Most any challenge can become an adventure of discovery.” —Anonymous

'I blocked out memories of my past to help me cope with the present. As time went on, I learned how to adjust to people’s behavior towards me. During my teens, I wrote a paper on schizophrenia, thinking I had a serious personality disorder. In those days, no one talked about things like that. Personality disorders were secretive topics. You didn’t seek a counselor to talk to about your problems, and my family never talked about such things.

My surface appeared smooth, but it was merely a mask, my ever-varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath dwelt the real me, in confusion, fear, and loneliness. But I hid this well so nobody would know. I didn’t want to know it.

I panicked at the thought of my weakness being exposed. I frantically maintained a mask to hide behind: a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But it turned out that such a glance was my salvation. Subconsciously I knew this. That glance was in the eyes of my Lord who knows everything about me. I would see it in the night-lights of a firefly, in the miracle of a rainbow, and in the life-healing sound of laughter. It’s the thing that liberated me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, and from the barriers I so painstakingly erected. However, I was afraid that glance wouldn’t be followed by love and acceptance. I was afraid people would laugh at me. And that laugh could kill me. So I played games, desperate, pretending games, with a facade of assurance on the outside and a trembling child on the inside. I was exceptionally aware, but inept as to how to use my awareness.' found in 'Opening the Envelope' Amazon.com.

One of the few happy memories in my childhood was of my parents farm council meetings where the kids would play while the adults would have meetings. I felt liberated and good about myself when I was playing with other farm kids. During the summer months, I enjoyed mostly chasing and capturing fireflies, and putting them in jars, and watching them light up in the a summer's quiet night. I always felt a special connection and easily bonded with other farm kids that had a similar background as me.